Bad Fashion

June 2, 2011

I have a list of about 16 Fashion Don’ts that I have compiled over the past few days while observing people on public transit which seems to have a few of every kind of person. As I started on my ramble-rant, I realized that I could not comment on all 16 in one post, so I’ll start with 4 of my favorites-the first 4 that came to mind.

1. Denim on Denim: I’m sorry, but this is NOT 1994. There are too many fun and flattering styles for you to ever merit wearing both a top and a bottom piece in uber-casual denim. You do not want to look like a saggy, baggy column of 90s pride. Or worse, clad in an overly tight pair of jeans (hello, camel toe) and a loose fitting jacket. Proportions, people! If you have, by chance, already left the house wearing denim on denim and are reading this page, GO HOME AND CHANGE. Better yet, throw out your denim jacket, give it to your dog, burn it, just get rid of it. There is no excuse. You want to wear jeans? Fine. I’m wearing jeans right now (but they are grey and distressed and legging style and very chic, if I do say so myself-I actually kind of despise blue jeans, but more on that later). Pair your jeans with a cardigan, a boyfriend blazer, a tailored jacket, ANYTHING but a denim jacket. Once I saw a fitted denim blazer at Eddie Bauer. It was a cute cut, but denim nonetheless. Where are you going to wear a denim blazer? To the office? No. Just buy a normal blazer out of normal blazer material. This is called wardrobe versatility. While you can wear the regular blazer inside the work place or out, you are going to find very few acceptable uses for the denim jacket, fitted or not. It’s just a casual fabric. Denim on Denim: Just don’t do it. Not in a light wash, not in a dark wash.

“All the way around the eye” eye-liner: We have all seen this look. Squinty little eyes staring out at you from the inside of a gothy looking frame of black eye-liner. Liner is used to define your eyes, maybe bring out the color and usually it does it’s job well, but, and this may blow your mind, it does not make your eyes look bigger. We’ve all heard that black/dark colors are slimming. This optical illusion does not simply go away when you apply black eye liner. Your eyes will look smaller, tiny if you put it all the way around. So, please, apply sparingly. Use it on the top lid only, draw it out into a subtle cat eye or something. You will still draw plenty of attention to your peepers this way. Want to make your eyes look larger? Use a white, water proof eyeliner all around the lash line. The light will reflect off the white and your eyes will look bigger. The only exception to this rule should be if you’re going to a night club or something because, let’s be honest, you’re going there to make out with cute boys and, frankly, lining your eyes entirely kinda makes you look like a hoe. Fun fact: All the teen moms on ’16 and Pregnant’ wear their eye liner all the way around. For realz.

Lip Liner: Ditto everything I just said above, but replace “eyes” with “lips.” We don’t need you to outline your lips to know they’re there. We see them. Your mouth does not look voluptuous outlined in black or any shade, really, just terrifying. You look like you’re being prepped for plastic surgery. Most women want to look younger, wear lip liner and you’re adding 25 years. Blah blah blah, you say, it helps my lip stick not bleed out. NEWSFLASH: Lip stick is old school. It settles into the cracks and it’s typically matte. Try a tinted lip gloss. I use Burt’s Bees Super Shiny Lip Gloss in Juicy Peach. It’s really good for you and most lip glosses are shiny so they also reflect light and give your mouth the appearance of added fullness. Moreover, they don’t flake and make your mouth look shriveled which is…always a plus. Welcome to 2011, ladies. It’s time to throw out your lipliner and pick up your lipgloss.

Those Ugg Boots that all the Sorority Girls Wear: I get it, all the popular girls have them. And all the popular girls say “Oh, they’re just really comfortable.” And maybe they are. But you know…there are hundreds of thousands of really, really comfortable shoes that do not give you elephant calves. Try Aerosoles. They make a ton of cute and comfy styles. I bought a pair to wear at work and they both adhere to the very strict Banana dresscode and make standing up for 8-10 hours ohhhh so much easier. Banana Republic puts memory foam in the soles of their shoes so you can walk around in them all day long. If all else fails, go to the drug store and get you some Doctor Scholl’s. They do wonders and they are, like 9 dollars. Whoever thought of these shoes should be shot. They make your legs look fat (no really, where did your ankles go?) and are in no way versatile which, regardless of your price point, is really important. Uggs instantly dress down whatever you’re wearing-they are really only appropriate with sweat pants or torn up Abercrombie and Fitch jeans. Bitches everywhere tend to favor the tan variety and those things get dirty unnaturally fast. They’re suede so water leaves spots and you can’t really wash them. Seriously, those things look nasty after a mere week of wear and make an otherwise cute girl look like she robbed a homeless person. Please, for the love of all that is cute and classy, pick a different boot. A sleeker boot in a less blah color. The fashion gods will thank you.

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